It's 11:30, and I find myself wandering here to spill my thoughts, rather than LJ. A good step, I suppose.

Today I nearly cried at work. Some douche decided to get snappy with me, which normally would be fine, except that in the process, Doreen snapped at me too. About something no one told me. I can't really blame her; Danielle SHOULD have told me, and Doreen is very busy and very stressed.

But even after all these years, I still take disappointing people terribly.

My mother's tone, her expression, her put-upon sighs, her frustrated tears... to this day, the memory makes me feel small and helpless all over again. When the OCD and depression were so bad I couldn't function properly, she lost patience with me over and over again. It's my weakness; disappointing people.

It's been almost a year, since I arrived at Pacific. I was so hopeful, so happy, so ready to succeed. And one by one, things just fell apart. I can't go back there; I can't face them, any of them. It hurts too much. There's a bitterness and a self-loathing involved that I don't know if I'll ever get over.

No regrets. No regrets. No regrets.

My mantra plays over and over in my head, drowning out the absolute pain of it all.

I don't know. I'm thinking too much again. It hurts.

Arashi say that when you can't see the road in front of you anymore, follow your own. It's okay, to take the other path. It's okay.

これは。。。本当にいいの？

それだけはいい？

分からないけど、もう決めたんだ。

道を知らないけど、いいよ。

私はまっすぐ歩く。